Why Shared Parenting Schedules are Difficult to Follow

Sometimes in the event of a custody hearing, a Judge will order parents to come up with shared parenting schedules together – and sometimes it is the willful choice of the parents. Although it seems like a great idea to begin with, this will prove to be a difficult schedule to follow, especially as children start to grow up. But, with a little forethought, divorced parents should be able to come up with something that will be good enough to get through the difficult times.

There are three things that will cause a shared parenting plan to go awry:

1. Age of the child or children
2. Conflict between the parents
3. The differing lives of the separate families

Growing Children

First and foremost, as the children from a divorced family begin to grow up, they will begin to have a mind of their own. It is difficult when the child ‘decides’ that they do not want to go to the other parents’ home and this will almost definitely cause strife between the parents. The parent is on the losing side of the visitation coin will almost certainly blame the other parent for the child not wanting to visit. But, it is important for both parents to remember that the children of divorce have their own lives to lead as well. It can become very unfair to the kids if they have to choose between soccer practice and visiting the other parent – remember, they just want to be kids. But, everyone must realize that parenting time schedules will need to be adjusted as the children grow.

Parental Conflict

Divorced or separated parenting difficulties are only amplified if the parents cannot agree on anything. You may think you have the most solid shared parenting schedules, but those schedules seem to fly right out the window when special occasions arise, or when the holidays get close. In fact, conflict is the most common thing that will make shared parenting almost impossible for most divorcees.

Lives That Go Different Directions

As the families separate, they will each take on their own characteristics. It is possible that one family will live similarly to the pre-divorce family while the other takes a different direction. This direction change is going to cause difficulties with shared parenting schedules. Parents might remarry, they will move, or change jobs – the list of changes only broadens as the years pass. The values of one family are most certainly going to be different than the values of the other. For shared parenting schedules to work, the parents need to be in constant communication about the children, and as these changes in personal lives happen, it will prove to make the communication more difficult.

What can you do about it?

The best shared custody schedules are ones that are written in advance and both parties can agree to everything in them. This will only happen if the parties are at an amicable place in the post-divorce relationship. You will need to sit down with the other parent and iron out the details of visitation. Come up with a parenting plan template that will allow enough flexibility for the child that as changes happen, the child doesn’t feel like they are causing hard feelings to either parent.

When designing shared parenting schedules, here are some important things to pre-plan so they aren’t a surprise to anyone down the road:

• Visitation exchanges and times
• Trips out of town and extended stays
• What to do if there is a surprise visit from out-of-towners and the child is at the other parents house
• How to handle transportation – to and from doctor, special events, visitation exchanges, or anything else you can think of
• Bad weather

The above items are simply examples – what you need to do is try to anticipate possible difficult spots in advance. It will never be an all inclusive list, but the more you can iron out, the better off everyone will be. Try to leave nothing to chance.

And, as always, document everything. People’s lives change and evolve. They will forget the agreements made, wish they hadn’t made them, or simply disobey what they initially agreed to. So, when you are involved in a custody situation, you absolutely must keep detailed records of everything that transpires between you and the other parent – not the least of times is when things seem to be going good. If a custody modification hearing should ever appear in your future, you want to have the documentation of events on your side.

Shared parenting schedules are never going to be a permanent solution, especially as the child grows. But, if both parents can put aside their differences for a few hours and sit down together to come up with a schedule that works for the child, they will reap the benefits of a much less stressful parenting relationship.

Related posts:

1. Shared Custody Schedules Help Split Time Between Parents
2. Parenting Calendars Help Relieve Stress When They Work